


sucker for pain

by fromthefarshore



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Gen, M/M, challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 23:59:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10797486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthefarshore/pseuds/fromthefarshore
Summary: Adam starts hearing voices.





	sucker for pain

**Author's Note:**

> As a challenge, [MeCrossYou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MeCrossYou) and I decided to write fics about pynch based on "Sucker for pain" song. Some of the rules are that the title has to be the song title and the fic has to have some lines from the song.  
> We are, indeed, suckers for pain for choosing this song for a fic.

The strange voices start haunting Adam very suddenly.

He doesn't know where it comes from and who or what it belongs to - maybe someone from the dreams, maybe something from Cabeswater. Or maybe, it's some kind of another vision that got tangled in his real life yet again.

It usually sounds like a poorly made mix of everyone he knows, but sometimes, it's distinctively a mix of his father's and Ronan's voices. Adam hates it the most.

 _I torture you_ , it says in Adam's head, and it does. He knows it's somewhere in there, deep inside himself; these are the only times the sound comes from the left side as well.

It comes with the pain, reminding him of all the places on his body from his neck to his ankles where he received punches, kicks or hits from his father throughout the years. It comes with the fear because the image stuck with the feeling now is of Ronan's face.

"You just fuckin' complain."

Ronan's voice, his real voice, makes the images and words in Adam's head disappear. For a second he thinks he might have said something aloud, let something slip, but when he looks around, Adam realises it's Noah who Ronan is talking to.

"Today you threw me out of the window again," Noah says, his lips on a verge of a smile as he leans back in his seat at their favourite table at the pizza parlour. At the cashier, Gansey is talking to Blue. "I'm not a sucker for pain," Noah adds as if trying to explain himself, and it makes Ronan laugh.

"You don't feel pain, you're dead."

Noah stills with his mouth opened, not knowing what to say. Then, he groans and throws a crumpled tissue at Ronan.

"But you wouldn't throw Adam out of the window," he finally says, narrowing his eyes at Ronan. Ronan lets out a snort and brings his arm around Adam's shoulders. Adam feels himself tense, but he hopes Ronan doesn’t catch on it.

"If Parrish were a ghost, I would."

"I would bring you down together with me," Adam says as he looks at Ronan's face. He tries to sound lighthearted, even as he starts hearing some mumbling in his head once again. For a second it seems like Ronan has caught onto something, but when he opens his mouth, there’s no concern in his voice.

"I'm a slave to your games," he says back, the corner of his lips twitching upwards, but he manages to stay serious, and Noah laughs.

" _You_ are a sucker for pain," he comments and he goes on, Adam can see his mouth moving, but he can't hear him anymore as the other, uninvited voice starts ringing loud inside his head.

 _I'm just a sucker for pain_ , it repeats again and again, sounding like Ronan, sounding like Adam's dad, and it brings pressure to his body, abruptly making it difficult to breathe.

 _I wanna chain you up, I wanna tie you down_. Now there’s laughter added up to the phrases and when Adam sees Noah laugh in front of him, he feels like he’s going to throw up.

It feels hot, suffocating as the words give Adam anxiety which makes him feel as if he is walking slow through the fire, seeing the flames burn everything around. He knows it’s in his head, he knows it’s not real, but it doesn’t stop the painful experience. He feels his hands tremble and he helplessly hopes that it’s just a vision as well, that he can keep everything under control and pass it as simple fatigue. Ever since it’s started, this is the worst case, and of course it has to happen in a public place.

It must be Cabeswater, Adam tells himself, closing his eyes in an attempt to escape the image and words in his head. But it doesn't help.

"Take my hand."

The whisper comes from his right side, only right side, and it's distinctively Ronan's voice, his real voice, talking to him. Carefully, Adam opens his eyes. The flames change to Ronan's fingers on Adam's hand and it's not burning, it's just warm. Adam finally takes a deeper breath.

“I’m fine,” he says, but he doesn’t even believe it himself. He looks around, seeing Noah’s worried face, and even Gansey with Blue are standing here, at the table, their faces pale.

“Of course you’re fuckin’ fine,” Ronan says, and Adam can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or he’s actually making sure Adam knows there’s nothing wrong with him. “We’re leaving,” he declares and he stands up, pulling Adam after himself as well.

“Ronan, I believe it would be better-”

“He’s fine,” Ronan tells Gansey as they walk past them. “We’re fine,” he repeats, in a smaller voice, and with Ronan’s strong grip on his hand, Adam believes him.

-

They’ve been riding round the city for more than half an hour, both of them sitting in silence, Ronan’s eyes on the road, Adam’s watching the changing view behind the passenger's window.

“It won’t hesitate to go straight to your head the moment it finds a chance,” Ronan suddenly says, and before Adam can ask what he’s talking about, he adds, “Voices and images.”

“You knew?” Adam turns his head to look at Ronan. His face is dark in the night, looking somewhat softer than usual in the shadows.

“Takes one to know one,” he says, glancing at Adam. A little smile appears on his face, both tender and bitter at the same time.

Adam lets out a sigh.

“What do you do?”

“Re-load.” Ronan takes a deep breath and then repeats, “Re-load. The moment you hear or see something, get a step back, re-load the voice or image and do it until it either disappears or changes into something real. Or think of something stupid or very nice. Just don’t fear that shit.”

“I can’t think when it happens. All the pressure gives me anxiety,” Adam mutters, looking through the window again. “A full dosage of detrimental dysfunction, yet again. I hear your voice and my dad’s as a mix. And you know what comes with it.” He bites at his lip, not daring to voice out the painful words, even though he’s sure Ronan wouldn’t think less of him, wouldn’t say anything.

“What does it say?”

Adam stays silent for a few moments, sorting out his thoughts, trying to make himself say things aloud. Ronan waits patiently, his hands on the wheel, his eyes on the road.

Adam takes a deep breath.

“ _I torture you. I wanna chain you up. I wanna tie you down_ , “Adam pauses, then opens his mouth again, turning to look at Ronan. “ _I'm just a sucker for pain_.”

“It’s bullshit,” Ronan says, tilting his head to meet Adam’s eyes. “Make it seem ridiculous, it’ll be easier to re-load it later.” He clears his throat. “I torture you,” he says, his voice with a fake silly and sweet, too sweet, note to it. “I wanna chain you up. I wanna tie you down.” Ronan lets out a groan, shaking his head. “Fuck, this sounds horrible.”

The smile is coming to Adam’s face though, and soon, he finds himself laughing.

“Please just stop,” he says, getting a silly smile from Ronan as well. “It sounds like something from a really bad bdsm story.”

“Fantastic.” Ronan snorts with a roll of his eyes, but his hand reaches for Adam’s leg, nudging it gently. “Then it might work. Next time you hear the voice, try to think of this, try to hear me say it like I just did.”

“ _If_ I can think at all.”

“It takes time and it’s painful, but eventually it helps. You actually gotta be a sucker for pain sometimes. Get rid of pain with pain.”

“Why does it even come? Is it Cabeswater?” Adam asks, now wondering why he didn’t talk to Ronan about this sooner. Ronan shrugs.

“I think it’s not Cabeswater of its own, but it’s something that’s attacking it as well. Maybe it comes from my dreams. Maybe it comes from us.”

“Suckers for pain, huh?” Adam says and he leans back in the seat.

“Yeah,” Ronan says and then, he adds, “Wanna head back already?”

Adam thinks for a moment.

“Five more minutes?” he finally asks, and Ronan smiles.

“Let’s make it ten.”

-

“What do you think about if re-load doesn’t work?” Adam looks at Ronan before getting off. Ronan gives him a grin.

“Tongue kissing a shark,” he says. “Or eating peanut butter and jelly fishes on toast.”

Adam snorts, opening the door. “Seriously?”

He gets out of the car, but still bends down to exchange some last words with Ronan.

“No wonder you’re so careful when it comes to kissing.”

Ronan laughs and he flashes Adam his middle finger.

“Piss off, Adam,” he says. “I also think about you.”

Adam hums, feeling his cheeks warm up a bit.

"Does it help?"

Ronan lets out a puff and then, instead of answering, says, "Good night, Adam."


End file.
